* As a disclaimer, this is not a happy note. I am, as the term goes, venting. This is not to say that I have never had a happy time as a single working mother. On the contrary, I have had many. However the cute stories about booboo kisses and picking boogers and I'm sorry hugs... well, that is for another blog.
** Another discaimer, if you feel like this note will be about you in any way, shape, or form, please do not read any further. Although I am not going to be bashing anyone, because that is simply not my style, I cannot ensure that my words will not somehow string together to piss someone off. It's been known to happen.
So, as you might guess, I am a single mother. Of an adorable 3-year-old boy. I get up every morning, get myself ready, wake Aiden up (with much difficulty I might add) get him ready, take the dog out, get lunches made and somehow get out of the door in time to get Aiden to daycare and myself to work. I feel rather crazy in the mornings, to say the least, with whining and crying from both animal and child. I usually forget to feed myself, so thankfully I have a stash of food at work.
I work for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, which is the standard. I am very grateful for my job as it is the only way I make ends meet. I have met some great people, also, and have been able to purchase a townhouse.
But this isn't the real issue here. The real issue is as follows:
I get a total of 4 nights a month to myself to do what I want. Four. Two Friday and two Saturday nights. The two Friday evenings have 2 1/2 hours taken up driving my son to meet the other side of his family and coming back. In addition I get 2 full days a MONTH to do what I want. Yeah, I said two. That would be those Saturdays, because Sundays are broken up by picking Aiden back up. That is not a lot of time.
I don't get to have any friends, because I don't have the time to make them. I can't go places to meet people. I can't go out and do what I want. I can't just chill. All I want is to be normal, to be included, to have fun, to get a chance to make friends. But I hardly get that chance.
(The following paragraph is purely my opinion. It may or may not be based on actual fact.) I blame a recent breakup partially on this. The guy didn't want to be "nailed down" or have to "feel guilty" if he wanted to go out and I couldn't come. Because I can't come. And I would always want to, and get upset that I couldn't. It's understandable-- Aiden wasn't his kid, wasn't his responsibility (my statement, not his). Of course there were other reasons for this breakup (I'm sure) but for the sake of my angsty depression right now, this is the main one. It happens to be the one we argued about most.
It makes me leary of meeting new people, whether they be guys or female friends. What if they feel the same way, you know? I can't hang out and chill, so peace to the out. After saying "No, sorry, I can't..." so many times, people just stop calling, you know?
I am especially tired of people giving me excuses. I am all for listening, I am a listener, but you know... don't belittle me. Sure, tell me why you can't help me. Tell me why you are so stressed out. Tell me why you can't do this or that. Give me your excuses, please. I just love hearing them (and if you think i'm talking about you, I probably am, but you are not the only one I'm talking about). But LISTEN to me, too, damn it. I am stressed out also. I have problems. I need things, but I try to tell someone that and for some reason they just don't believe me. For some reason people think everything in my life is perfect.There is always that "Yeah, but me me me..." Sure, a lot of things are going great, but I am going through a lot of pain right now. I am kind of stuck in a depressed rut.
I am sure there will be some of you that say "well you opened your legs. You did this to yourself." And I say to you: I did not choose to be a single mother. I took the responsibility of my actions, but I never thought I would be one of those statistics. I surely never thought I would be doing this on my own. I thought there would always be someone at my side helping me along the way, dealing with the same issues as I. Unfortunately that is not the way things turned out. So here I am.
I'm not asking for 24/7 freedom. Heck, I wouldn't know what to do with that. I don't even think I'm asking for much, really. Just a little more understanding... and a little more help... and just... a little more time. Without being chastised or made to feel bad or given excuses.
I guess that's all. I know I should "cheer up" and it will "get better" and everything will "work out," but right now... I am just depressed. And feel very alone.
The end.
To come in the future: The Joys of a Single Working Mother.
